To forgive is not to forget

Kini kuhanya ingin lupakan semua, mengenangmu menyesakkan jiwa.
Kan kuhapus air mata hingga kudapat sembuhkan luka (Luka Lama - Coklat)

                                                                   

Masih tak dapat kupahami 

Rasa bencimu padaku

Masih terpatri dalam ingatanku

Perkataan kasarmu padaku

Sejuta maaf t'lah kulayangkan padamu

Tak satupun mampu menggoyahkan egomu

Tapi tak apalah, selalu ada hikmah di balik segala masalah

Seiring menggelapnya langit di atas kepalaku

Kan kupastikan 

Bahagiaku bukanlah kamu...

"Kabut Kota" (A novel by Ichsan Saif)

Kaulah Yang Terpilih (Sunrise)

Someone who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard you are to handle,
but still wants you (Anonymous)

Di persimpangan jalan ini pernah ku dihadapkan pada dua pilihan yang sulit. Rindukah aku pada malam yang kelam dan dingin? Ataukah pada cerah dan hangatnya pagi? Rasa tak ingin menyakiti mendera hati hingga sekian lama kebimbangan menyiksa nurani. Namun pada akhirnya kutemukan jawaban yang kucari. Kaulah yang terbaik, yang terpilih, yang telah pasti. Yang senantiasa setia menanti.

Sinarmu lah yang kerap kulihat kala gelap menghantui. Kau lah yang selalu berpendar saat kucari cahaya. Kau lah yang senantiasa memelukku kala gamang menghampiri. Kau lah yang kurindu saat kusendiri. Kau, yang kuberi nama --kesempurnaan, dibalik ketidaksempurnaanmu. Sebab kutau, akupun tidaklah sempurna. Tak ada yang sempurna.

Terima kasih telah menyayangiku dengan segala kekurangan dan kelebihanku...

Telah, Haruskah, Akankah?

Kurentangkan hati kubalut luka lama saat kau pergi
Kutegarkan diri walau bayangmu hadir di setiap mimpi
Kini kuhanya ingin lupakan semua, mengenangmu menyesakkan jiwa
Semoga kelak lupakan semua
(Luka Lama - Coklat)

     Saat kau memohon aku 'tuk menunggu, aku pun menunggu dengan sabar
     Saat kau meminta aku 'tuk berkunjung, aku pun berkunjung dengan suka cita
     Lalu sekarang kau menginginkan aku pergi, haruskah aku pergi dengan
     terpaksa?
     Kelak bila ku t'lah pergi, akankah kau mengemis untukku kembali dan
     memaafkan?

Merindukanmu

Amsterdam, May 2012

Merindukanmu sudah menjadi bagian hari-hariku
Memimpikanmu sudah menjadi bagian malam-malamku
Pedih dan pilu sudah menjadi bagian hidupku

Susah payah aku menahan rindu ini
Kerja keras aku berusaha tak bermimpi
Lalu kusadari sulit ku menahan diri
Sampai kuputuskan 'tuk tak kutahan lagi


Picture by : Jim Holmboe

Hanya Untukmu

Wolfersheim, May 2012

Aku tau aku mencintaimu, dengan tulus
Dengan segala kelebihan dan kekuranganmu
Aku tau aku akan selalu menjagamu
Selama kamu mengijinkan aku
Selama Tuhan mengijinkan aku

Aku tau aku mencintaimu
Dengan sepenuh hatiku

Picture by : Jim Holmboe

The Pilot - A Synopsis; The English Version

Having to choose between your lover and your best friend is
sometimes inevitable. Who should you choose is never certain.
In the end, whoever it is, whatever your decision is, breaks your heart.

     I first saw this boy at the canteen in our school. My eyes caught his and for a few seconds we were just staring at each other. I was at the same time busy trying to slow down my heartbeat which had accelerated. I was then the first one to look away, pretending that it didn’t mean anything. He was a really good looking boy with very deep-set eyes under dark eyebrows and cute lips under a nice perfect nose.

     Surprisingly, he also joined the same organisation as I did. I was very happy and started to think that it was our destiny. I tried to always be at the same time at the same place as him, mostly at the canteen and every weekend when we had a meeting or event related to our organisation. However, we never talked to each other. What we did all the time in our meetings was only look into each other’s eyes. Until finally one sunny afternoon after school, I was waiting for a bus when he suddenly was standing next to me. I was so surprised and for a second I couldn’t believe that he was just right there. For the first time he said hi and talked to me. Our first conversation didn’t last long, but we continued having conversations in our next meetings at school, until one day…

     One of my best friends at that time approached to talk to me. She said she’d noticed something. She said that she’d seen me talking to this boy a few times. I didn’t quite understand where she was going with her questions until she said she wanted to know him more personally. Right then, she, taking me by surprise, admitted having a crush on him. 

     I was a very shy girl. I didn’t talk about my feelings to anyone, including to those, I called my best friends. So, nobody knew about my crush on this boy, and I began to wish that I had told them. For quite a while, I didn’t know what to say since I wasn’t expecting this situation at all, but when she asked me to introduce her to him, I did say one thing.. That I promised to do it and I did. My friend was a very pretty girl and she was very popular. I kept asking myself why, of all the boys at school, did she like the same boy as I did. She could’ve chosen somebody else; she could’ve been with anyone. But why…

     Not long after I introduced her to him, the boy came to me and said that he needed to talk. I was reluctant at first but then agreed to meet after school. When he said that he liked me, I almost told him that I also liked him but something stopped me from saying it. I was very sad and had to hold my tears when I said, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have the same feeling, and I don’t want us to be more than friends.” I could see he was confused. I could tell that he knew that I actually liked him, and he even asked me why. A question that I could never answer. He then left me without asking more questions.        

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